Hills.

4. The Hills Have Eyes

The next thing I feel every Southerner should know about the North and PA most specifically that will blow your mind is.... you guessed it, hills.  They are everywhere.  Here in Louisiana, it is as flat as .... *inappropriate joke.*  In PA, think.... *another equally inappropriate joke aimed in the opposite and more 'hilly' direction.*


We've got hills going on because we are apart of the Appalachian Mountains.  Not nearly as exciting as the Rockies, but certainly a lovely spectacle.  In fact, when driving from Philly to Pittsburgh, whilst on the Turnpike, you drive THROUGH mountains.  Your radio goes completely static, you have to put on your headlights and you drive through a creepy and moist tunnel that looks like it can collapse at any moment.  Terrifying.

Travel Blog had the perfect photo to capture my mood

But more also, what is awesome about PA, specifically, is the hills.  They are everywhere.  The roads go up and down hills.  If you were like me, your PE credit for college required you walking up a seriously GINORMOUS hill every Mon, Wed and Fri.  Actually, everywhere I went in college required me struggling up these absurd hills.  Freshmen 15?  Just do your schooling in the hills of PA!

Virtual Tourist captures the lovely hills perfectly!

But hills make life tragic.  Nothing is worse than trekking over a hill in the snow and ice.  If you don't have the proper tires... well, I hope you planned an extra 20 minutes of drive time!  And driving up a hill and not knowing if there is traffic coming?  Or how about a hill next to a roadway covered in snow?  Better watch out for those sledding children!!!

Hills.  Overall, they're awesome.

So in the end, what you should know is that hills are awesome.  But then again, maybe if it was flatter like here in Louisiana, snow wouldn't be such an issue.  Things to ponder.

Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act

I just feel like you should read this.

I will offer no other comments.  My own opinion will not be shared.  No debate.  Just read it.

Later gators.

It is Sure to Blow Your Mind

So I've decided to post the top five things that is likely to blow any southerners mind in regards to the north.  There is no rhyme or reason because let's face it, there is hardly ever rhyme and/ or reason to any of my posts.  It is just the way I roll- disjointed and all over the place.  Enjoy!

5. The Jersey Shore

I want to start this by saying the following: I HATE New Jersey.  With a passion.  I do not enjoy going to any part of New Jersey-not even in the slightest.  When friends suggest, 'hey, let's go to the shore' (shore = Jersey Shore FYI). I am likely to contort my face negatively at the suggestion. 

I just hate it and here is just one reason.  They don't pump their own gas.  That's right, you go to a gas station and someone has to pump it for you.  EVERYWHERE.  It is not just a nice thing a couple gas stations do, it is mandated by law.  In fact, I used to work at a gas station in PA(Sheetz, google it) and I would routinely see NJ'ers come up to the pump and put the pump in upside down, come in for help or collapse with frustration over PUMPING GAS.  It's not hard, but NJ officials have bred a population of idiots at the pump. 

This is how it's done.  Idiots.

Anyway, that is not why I am here--my hatred for Jersey is important only to prove that I am not just trying to love up on Jersey.  I'm not, but the picture painted by the stupid show "The Jersey Shore" is far from what the Jersey Shore actually is.  Snooki, J-WOW, Pauly D and the ses pool of diseases 'The Situation' is hardly representative of the people at the shore.  Those tools are actually all from New York-a state that gets NONE of the flack for breeding those d-bags(I think Pauly D is from Conneticut, but point still proven).   

NJ.com knows the real Jersey Shore

In fact, the Jersey Shore is largely frequented by families and high school teens/ college students on summer vacation.  Yes, the nightlife probably gets a bit rowdy, but there are likely no more STDs floating around than Bourban Street in New Orleans.

And one more reason I hate New Jersey.  The ocean looks like sludge.  See how the picture above conveniently doesn't show the ocean?  It is because it is a dark ocean of filth.  I'm not sating Deleware's beaches are better because that is simply not the case, but I feel you guy should hear the truth.  The ocean in the north is disgusting.  You cannot even see the ground!

So the moral of this terribly long winded story is the following: New Jersey sucks. The people at the Jersey Shore are not reflective of the cast of The Jersey Shore.  The ocean water in the north is disgusting.

End!

Cher Baby!

It has been a week since my last post and for that, I am getting ridiculed! Apparently, my blog is instilled in people's lives.  Apart of people's days.  I am.... important.  One could say I am a writer.  Granted, I am a mediocre writer who is terrible at poetry, but still, I am a writer nonetheless.  Therefore, I say, I am awesome.

There's an awesome Tumblr with HIMYM gifs!

Anyway, I have finally decided it is time to go into in depth analysis of the common Cajun phrase, 'cher baby.'  No, we're not believing in 'life after love' or loving up on Sonny or even having female children that decide to become men, no, in fact, cher baby has nothing to do with the so-called "Goddess of Pop" (who in the heck gave her that name?)! 

In fact, you don't even say 'cher' like you would say Cher.  Before we get to the nitty gritty of what it actually means, let's practice saying it, so, now, it's time for pronunciation with Jen!

Cher is pronounced, "sh-eh."  Don't stunt "sh-eh" in the middle, make sure you say it smooooooooothly.  Now after you have obviously mastered 'cher,' you've got to finish it by saying baby.  So "sh-eh (pause) baby."   Now faster! "Sh-ehBaby!"  You got it!  Goooood!  Well, I don't really know if you got it because really, I can't say it well either, but we'll pretend you're an expert and give the goldiest of gold stars!

Now but the real question here, is WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  Well, that's easy.  Basically, it just means, 'awww that's cute!' Or, 'awwwwww' or basically affection. 

So, now let's put this into practice, you're at the park just wandering around taking picture on instagram because, afterall, you're probably a hipster (ha!) and you see the most adorable puppy being walked on a leash.  So, in awe of the epic cuteness of the pooch, you say, (with your best cajun accent) "cher baby!"

No, this dog is not in a park, but it is adooooooorrraaabbiibbbllle!

Or, you're visiting a friend who just had a baby.  The baby has decided to be silent for a few minutes and not cry a thousand tears or poop on your hands and looks simply angelic.  Her little pink onesie has an elephant on it and the room smells of joy....and dirty nasty diapers- you are in a baby's room after all.  So, you say, say it with me! Cher baby!

Babies, filled with lies.  And poop.

Now, you can just say cher with no baby at the end too.  That is, in fact, allowed.  You can also spell cher "sha," but remember, it is not pronounced "sha."  If you say "sha" they will know you are a yankee and all will be lost and this training will have been for nothing.

Now let's combine some things we have learned and see if you can decipher the following sentence.  Anyone who can gets an EVEN BIGGER gold star.  Or an internet high five.

You better not place your hand here unless you can answer the question!!!!

"Aw cher baby!  Let me help you save those baby clothes!"

Yankees

Here is a map the United States how I see the breakdown of Southerners vs. Yankees.

Here is how my roommate sees it.

Zombies.

There is a zombie movie filming this weekend and they are looking for zombies.  I am interested because there is monetary compensation and well, zombies.

This is the email I sent them.  I am rather proud.

*****
Hi there!

I hear there's a little zombie filming this weekend and me, while I am currently alive and thriving, am DYING (get it, dying) to be apart of the filming.  I've attached a couple of crappy pictures of myself so you don't get your hopes up that I am a super hot model looking zombie, but more so of an average girl zombie just looking for some brains and trouble.  So, hopefully you chose me because then next to "Promotions Guru" I can write, professional undead.

I guess we'll see!

Enjoy my terribly mediocre photos and have a great rainy day!
****

I'd share my photos, but no.  Because if this blog ever catches on (and it's almost 500 views wahooooo!), and it won't, I need as few identifying markers as possible.  People goodness knows!

No pictures today. 

Rain....

This will not be a full blown entry because, my goodness, it is 10:00 at night and yankees need their 'beauty sleep.'  It's true, if I don't get 9 hours of sleep a night, I look like a garden gnome... and not like the cute Travelocity one that travels the globe, like the one that got rejected for being too damn ugly.

I could handle these.  Even seven of them!

Anyway, June 1st marked the beginning of Hurricane Season.  HURRICANES PEOPLE!  Not like the delicious fruity drinks that are awesome and awesome, but like huge forces of nature that destroy lives, homes and villages.

Now, I have a whole entry planned for my utter fear of hurricanes, so I am not going to go into them at 10 at night when I really just need to go to sleep, no.  Right now I just want to draw your attention to the absurd, and I do mean absurd, amount of rain that falls here.  And let me tell you, when it rains, it isn't like, 'oh hey bro, let me sprinkle a little of this water shizz on your face.'  No, it's like, 'HEY MOTHER F*ER, LET ME RUIN YOUR FREAKING EVERYTHING AND MAKE EVERYTHING WET AND DISGUSTING AND YEA!!! AMERICAA!!! F*** YEA! RAIN!"  That's how I imagine this rain speaking.  Only with more expletives... I don't use expletives.

Like I said, short entry.  I really wanted to post because of this darn 10 forecast I just saw.  It is ALL RAIN.  For 10 days.  I think tomorrow I am going to have to stop at Home Depot and learn how to build arcs.  10 days of rain...

Someone get this yankee an umbrella.

Fail.

So, my literary piece of genius, my swan song, my calling in life.... my poem, was not well received.  No, not only did it get negative reviews from random blog watchers, but also, my mother.  My very own mother! The person who bore me from her loins decided that my poem, my reason for living, was 'lack-luster.'  This, my friends, is disappointment.  She didn't say, "Oh, I hated it."  But she kind of did one of those things where you, as a child, know that you've disappointed them.  Like I had done poorly on an exam or something.

Rejection from your mother. Feelsbadman.

Now that we got that terribly uncomfortable moment in the blog out of the way, when the terrible blogger gets emotional *shudder,* we can now get on to the dirt of this entry.  Gas stations.

So yesterday after my failure of a blog went public, I went on a voyage to the movie theatre to see The Avengers (which A. I still have not seen and B. I still have not seen.  Another story, another time).  So, like any good delinquents, we stop at the neighborhood gas station for water and candy to sneak into the joint.  We Bad.

I must state, that I have NEVER been to this gas station before.  In fact, I only go to two different gas stations for gas and gum ever.  Both very normal.  My favorite gas station has a delightful gay man who always wishes me a safe journey.  Gay men are great.

So, this new gas station is a drive thru.  I thought nothing of this.  Thought nothing could be different.  Oh boy, was I wrong.  We, my roommate and I, we go inside and immediately I am smacked in the face with this overwhelming awe. I have NEVER EVER seen any such gas station.  This actually may be a terrible blog entry to write because now it sounds so silly in my head as I think on how to accurately describe my.... confusion when I went inside.

Oh no... another blog failure in 3.....2......

So, this gas station, has nothing in it.... or so it seems.  I look around and see some random things like sun tan lotion, batteries... but no coolers.... no candy aisles.  I was wholly unprepared for it.  Instead, EVERYTHING is behind the counter.  And by everything, I mean like three coolers and LOT'S of cigarettes.  It was almost like I walked into Tobacco Palace.  Like the mecca for Phillip Morris.  It was absurd.  I mean, I know Sheetz (a link for my southern friends) has drive thru stores, but I can't imagine they would look like this!

I can't describe it.  I just can't.  Ask my roommate who stupid I looked with my mouth agape.  It is probably what people who first walk into a Sheetz looks like.  When I used to work there, people were so stunned (code for stupid) by the appearance they'd ask us, 'WHERE IS THE CLOSEST GAS STATION.'  We WERE a gas station!!!!  Yesterday, I was that stupid customer.  I think the counter worker looked at me like I was from Mars.

And I kinda am.  Because I am from the north.

A Poem

It ‘twas 2011 when the decision was made,

And then my UHaul was packed and paid.

To the South I made the travel

To the pavement I hit along with some gravel.

Never once to the South had I been,

Not even Disney World on the map to pin.

So there I was, what was supposed to be the ‘Fall.’

And it wasn’t even cold, not barely, not even at all.

So I unpacked my clothes and wandered the town,

And got ready for my journey to go down.

I ate Cajun foods and lots of spices

With drive through daquiris –not just ices.

Went to work where things got strange,

People all say y’all which was a major change.

The talks of hurricanes, humidity and heat,

Sounds like summer’s going to be a feat.

All in the all the trip to the South’s been fun

A whole summer awaits for me to be burned by the sun.

Fin.

Why I have penned a masterpiece!

But It's ALL The Way Over There!

Where I live, it's a great town.  It literally has anything and everything I could ever need.  Even better, I don't have to go far- at all- to get to it.  If I need some food, no prob, 5 minutes away.  If I need groceries... About 7 minutes.  How about a smoothie?  5 minutes.  It's awesome.  There's a mall, a roller rink, great food and car washes within minutes of where I am. 

The problem with all of this, is that now I have contracted a terrible illness.  An illness that I don't know how to cure.  What is it called you ask?  But-It's-All-The-Way-Over-There-Itis.  I think it is common down here in fact.  It runs rampant in the streets and people don't care that they have contracted this non terminal, yet somewhat debilitating virus.

So the symptoms are: thinking 20 minutes to get anywhere is "too far,"  going to the other side of town is "out of the way" and other towns outside of this one are simply "out of the question."  For instance, I love ice cream.  It is darn near my FAVORITE thing in the world in the history of things.  There is a DELICIOUS ice cream place across town- about 20 minutes away.... it's too far.  With this disease, I now settle for the less satisfying ice cream that happens to be closer.

And I wasn't always like this.  In fact, in PA where I was, if we wanted to go anywhere, we pretty much assume that we are going to have to go further than 10 minutes away.  I would routinely make treks to a city an hour away.  Or the other town thirty minutes away.  Here, I have BARELY been out of the city I live in. It's absurd!

It's sick!  Sick I tell you!  I'm sick!!!  See below, the new me.  A turtle on the bayou.

WHAT!

I am heartbroken.

Not really, I actually already knew it!

I'm Melting!

It is May 30th.  Summer starts in June...in like three weeks.  It, technically, is spring.  In a normal world, the weather should be a lovely 70-80 degrees.  In Louisiana... it is darn near 7 million degrees.  I would say I was exaggerating, but really, I am under estimating how hot it is outside...in spring. 

Well, maybe 7 million degrees is an exaggeration, but you gotta know, that for this time of the year- it is hot in hurrrrrrrr (Nelly, where you go).  Okay, Pennsylvanians.  Think August.  Think that week of heat wave where your air conditioner breaks.  Yep, then.  Right now... May, that's what the weather is.  Heat wave in August with a broken air conditioner.  In fact, here's a picture of me....

Actually, not me, but thanks to EzineMark.com, we can pretend it is.

But you know the difference between the guy in the picture and moi?  He looks relieved.  He looks like there may be a gentle rush of cold air from a nearby fan.   For me, there is no gentle breeze created by a godly fan.  No.  I know that there are more, hotter and worse summer days to be felt.  My pit stains will be long and wide.  I am going to have to carry emergency deodorant.  I am going to have to wear dresses to promote air flow...like every day.

It's going to be a long and intense road this summer.  I might be pretty smelly at times.  So southerners beware.  A smelly super hot Yankee is in town. 

Save it!

You come down south to visit someone you know.  You stay at their house because, well, it's cheaper, so in exchange, you figure you'll help out a little.  You know, the basics, clean up after your self.  Make the bed.  Do the dishes. 

Well, your host made you a delicious sausage and chicken gumbo.  The rice was delicious and they even made potato salad- if you decide you're into that kind of thing.  So, following your delicious meal, you decide to wash and put away the dishes.  You scrub and clean and dry.  The dishes look spotless.

Your host comes up to you and says, "thanks for saving the dishes!"

That's when things get weird.... what?  You saved them?  What did you save them from?  These dishes that contained my wonderful meal were not in danger!  They were never perilously dangling from the counter top.  There was no cat burglar who threatened to steal them.  So why, why would they need saving?

The truth is, they don't.  The dishes don't need saving.  That's just what they say.  They save the dishes.  They save the laundry.  They save things.  Saving something, in my experience, generally means, 'to put something away.'  So a mom could, in theory, say, 'Tommy!  Go save your shoes!'

Here, look, a wikipedia reference! "To 'save the dishes' means to 'put away the dishes into cupboards where they belong after being washed.' While dishes are the most common subject, it is not uncommon to save other things. For example: Save up the clothes, saving the tools, save your toys."

Crazy right!  The origins of this peculiar phrasing is unknown to me at this time.  Maybe it originated with 'saving toys'- aka, 'putting toys away.'  Think about it.  An angry mom yells to his/ her kid- "PUT AWAY YOUR TOYS OR I WILL THROW THEM AWAY!'  (Caps lock signifies anger here.)  So over time, to make the sentence easier for the busy mom, she shortens it to, 'SAVE YOUR TOYS!'  Get it?  Put away your toys or I am going to throw them away, aka, save your toys from their inevitable demise in the gross trashcan and put them away!

Maybe that wasn't the origin.  Maybe something simpler than that.  But, that's my theory.

Now, go save your laundry.  It's been sitting in the dryer for days now...oh wait, that's me.

Of course.

Southern Grammar: Lesson Two

So, after my original Southern Grammar blog debuted over this past weekend, I was told that I was missing a key part of understanding y'all.  So, here I be, teaching you the ways of y'all by ways of possession. 

Y'all: possessive case... is that what you call it?  ANYWAY.

Someone make me some Snickerdoodles.  Now!

So, you, an inquisitive northerner walk up to your new southern friend Tammy.  Tammy is a lovely woman and she is typically very generous.  She has a plate of cookies that you just crave.  So you look at Tammy and ask her, 'Is this plate of delicious cookies yours?'  She says yes, and yes you can have one and the world is right.

Now, enter Jacob.  Jacob and Tammy and now both standing beside a mouth watering plate of snickerdoodles.  Being in the south, you know that the proper thing to say would be this, 'Is this plate of mouth watering snickerdoodles y'all's?' 


Now you see how one person possessive is referred to as 'yours' and then two people possessive is 'y'all's.'

Now, just like when you are referring to a group of three or more people, if you are asking Tammy, Jacob AND Aaron whose cookies live on the plate beside them, you say 'Is this plate of cookies all y'all's?'  Fairly simple!  Yours, y'all's and all y'all's.

In all fairness, in term of possession, the southerners might be on to something.  Seriously, because if us northerners speak of a group of northerners possessing something we say, 'Is this your guyses?'   WHAT?  It just sounds stupid.  'You guyses???'  Like guises?  Geysers?  What?  Y'all's and All y'alls is MUCH easier to say.  So while I may not start referring to groups of people by y'all, I may adapt their possession.  I'm not sayin,' I'm just sayin.'

Will there be another Southern grammar lesson?  Maybe.  I could teach you about 'cher baby!' But not to now.  For now I'll let you believe that cher baby has something to do with this:

What in the World???

Okay all of my southern friends.... what is this scary looking creature?  It was found outside the apartment during a random wildlife expedition my roommate often does (code for: walking the yorkie).  SHE is a native southerner and has never seen one.

Below are multiple crappy pictures.  Tell me what it is and you get a reward of a virtual high five.

Southern Grammer: Y'all

"Y'all."  We all know what it means in the north.  What we say?  We say- you guys.  Even if it is a group of 20 girls, it is 'you guys.'  In the western part of PA, they say 'yinz' which is the most awful word in the world.  Now what we know about y'all is also complicated by what we don't know- there are 'different stages' of y'all.

Y'all VS. All Y'all

There is a 'grammatical' difference, in fact.  You can't just willy-nilly throw around 'All Y'all' like you know what is going on.  So, if you ever come visit me in the south, make sure you know the difference or risk sound like a northerner.

Y'All.  What does it mean?  It means multiple people.  In conversation with Jimmy and Terrence, you a Northerner would say, "Y'all going to the show tonight?"  Notice, when I am talking to Jimmy and Terrence, I am only talking to two people.  Very important to note.

Notice two people

Now say, Sandy shows up and you ask the same question to Jimmy, Terrence AND Sandy.  What do you ask?  Simple: "All y'all going to the show tonight?"  One more person is added to the group and suddenly it becomes 'All y'all.'  

Notice more than two people

However, despite the fact that I sorta kinda know the difference, I am going to stick with 'you guys.'  Why?  I am northerner, that's why and you can't make me!!!  And because breaking habits is hard.  And, and, and, I just don't want to! 

So now my students, please share your new knowledge and remember:

Just Something Funny

 

 

 

This is how I feel about my upcoming post in which I will dissect the difference between y'all and all y'all.

Reddit.com

Ok People, Time to Chime In

Here's the dealio, a couple of years ago my fiancee and I were strolling the aisles at Best Buy probably looking at vacuums or some other domesticated item when we happen upon a popcorn maker.  Now, if you know me, you know that I freaking LOVE popcorn.  It is delicious.  I can and have eaten just popcorn as a meal.  Yum.  So, we see this popcorn maker of divine awesome and I casually say something to the effect of, 'I WANT THAT!' Because if I had that, I could dive my face into a pile of awesome popped corn delicious-ness.

Well, *spoiler alert,* I didn't get the popcorn maker.  Why?  Obviously it is not practical.  Who has popcorn makers in their homes? Plus I was probably broke as I often am. 

So, fast forward some time.  My birthday.  And guess what my fiancee gets me?  No need to guess, you know it.... the popcorn maker.  The delicious maker of popped corn bliss was in my home.  In my life, in my soul forever.  However, apparently when I opened my prize, I gave a look.  A subconscious look that conveyed a negative reaction to the best appliance ever.  Fiancee noticed and questioned me.  'I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THE POPCORN MAKER! YOU SAID YOU WANTED THE POPCORN MAKER!' 

'I did!  I do!  I want the popcorn maker!' is what I said, but what I thought on the inside was:

 

Now why would I think such things about an appliance that would create freshly popped kernels of corn whenever I desired?

Because fiancee broke a cardinal rule of giving gifts to women.  Never give appliances to women as gifts.  You don't give your mom a vacuum for Christmas do you?  Do you give your grandmother a microwave?  No.  You do not.  And if you do, STOP IT.  We don't want appliances.  Give us pretty scarves, new kicks, chocolates, stuffed creatures or maybe some jewelry.... not an appliance.  It's just a rule.

So my question is, am I crazy here?  Yes, I know that I should have just been happy for the popcorn maker.  I was more than happy to keep it.  We even bought popcorn oil so we could start popping popcorn.... fiancee INSISTED he return the gift.  I kept insisting we keep it.  I lost.  But the question is, do women like and/ or appreciate appliances for holidays?  

And now, time for a heaping, GIANT bowl of popcorn.  Yummy.

Part Two

1. Drinking Part Two

Needless to say, here in Louisiana alcohol laws are quite different.  When you need your liquor, you don't need to go to three different stores-just head to your local grocery store and there will be the beer, wine, liquor and mixers you need for a killer party.

Not only that, but drinking down here is serious business.  There are places that sell daiquiris through the drive thru.  Y'know, like McDonald's, order at the window, take some Bicardi 151 drink on the road...AND shots through the window too.  Well, my Northern friends would say, but, but, drinking and driving!  Well, as long as the straw is in the paper and not through the lid, you're good to travel!  Yes.  Absurd.  (But delicious.)

Then there's the drinking in the streets.  On St. Patty's Day I was downtown for an event and the entrance to the said event was on the road.  Outside of the event, people were wandering the streets with beer, daiquiris and mixed drinks.... like it was no big deal.  Even crazier was the fact that there were uniformed police officers everywhere and not one single care was given.... no one cared!  It was nuts!  In PA, if you wanted to hit another bar- you better chug your drink first and get to steppin'!

Also, drinking is what they do around here.  If there's an event- you betcha there's booze...otherwise people probably wouldn't come. If you're going to dinner, probably even lunch, someone's getting a beer or a fancy fruit drink.  It's just gonna happen.  There's even bars down here that routinely let in under agers... the bars are known for it. Granted, they get busted every so often, but they, most of the time, get away with it!

So, all in all, Louisiana is a lot more laxed in the alcohol arena.  It is strange to see so much free flowing booze everywhere.  With PA being so strict, coming here is just completely opposite.  Just strange... Mind blowingly strange.

*****

Honorable mention for crazy Louisiana things are casinos.  They are everywhere.... even in gas stations.

So, now I have to figure out what to write about next.  Suggestions??  Maybe comment below.