Fail.

So, my literary piece of genius, my swan song, my calling in life.... my poem, was not well received.  No, not only did it get negative reviews from random blog watchers, but also, my mother.  My very own mother! The person who bore me from her loins decided that my poem, my reason for living, was 'lack-luster.'  This, my friends, is disappointment.  She didn't say, "Oh, I hated it."  But she kind of did one of those things where you, as a child, know that you've disappointed them.  Like I had done poorly on an exam or something.

Rejection from your mother. Feelsbadman.

Now that we got that terribly uncomfortable moment in the blog out of the way, when the terrible blogger gets emotional *shudder,* we can now get on to the dirt of this entry.  Gas stations.

So yesterday after my failure of a blog went public, I went on a voyage to the movie theatre to see The Avengers (which A. I still have not seen and B. I still have not seen.  Another story, another time).  So, like any good delinquents, we stop at the neighborhood gas station for water and candy to sneak into the joint.  We Bad.

I must state, that I have NEVER been to this gas station before.  In fact, I only go to two different gas stations for gas and gum ever.  Both very normal.  My favorite gas station has a delightful gay man who always wishes me a safe journey.  Gay men are great.

So, this new gas station is a drive thru.  I thought nothing of this.  Thought nothing could be different.  Oh boy, was I wrong.  We, my roommate and I, we go inside and immediately I am smacked in the face with this overwhelming awe. I have NEVER EVER seen any such gas station.  This actually may be a terrible blog entry to write because now it sounds so silly in my head as I think on how to accurately describe my.... confusion when I went inside.

Oh no... another blog failure in 3.....2......

So, this gas station, has nothing in it.... or so it seems.  I look around and see some random things like sun tan lotion, batteries... but no coolers.... no candy aisles.  I was wholly unprepared for it.  Instead, EVERYTHING is behind the counter.  And by everything, I mean like three coolers and LOT'S of cigarettes.  It was almost like I walked into Tobacco Palace.  Like the mecca for Phillip Morris.  It was absurd.  I mean, I know Sheetz (a link for my southern friends) has drive thru stores, but I can't imagine they would look like this!

I can't describe it.  I just can't.  Ask my roommate who stupid I looked with my mouth agape.  It is probably what people who first walk into a Sheetz looks like.  When I used to work there, people were so stunned (code for stupid) by the appearance they'd ask us, 'WHERE IS THE CLOSEST GAS STATION.'  We WERE a gas station!!!!  Yesterday, I was that stupid customer.  I think the counter worker looked at me like I was from Mars.

And I kinda am.  Because I am from the north.

A Poem

It ‘twas 2011 when the decision was made,

And then my UHaul was packed and paid.

To the South I made the travel

To the pavement I hit along with some gravel.

Never once to the South had I been,

Not even Disney World on the map to pin.

So there I was, what was supposed to be the ‘Fall.’

And it wasn’t even cold, not barely, not even at all.

So I unpacked my clothes and wandered the town,

And got ready for my journey to go down.

I ate Cajun foods and lots of spices

With drive through daquiris –not just ices.

Went to work where things got strange,

People all say y’all which was a major change.

The talks of hurricanes, humidity and heat,

Sounds like summer’s going to be a feat.

All in the all the trip to the South’s been fun

A whole summer awaits for me to be burned by the sun.

Fin.

Why I have penned a masterpiece!

But It's ALL The Way Over There!

Where I live, it's a great town.  It literally has anything and everything I could ever need.  Even better, I don't have to go far- at all- to get to it.  If I need some food, no prob, 5 minutes away.  If I need groceries... About 7 minutes.  How about a smoothie?  5 minutes.  It's awesome.  There's a mall, a roller rink, great food and car washes within minutes of where I am. 

The problem with all of this, is that now I have contracted a terrible illness.  An illness that I don't know how to cure.  What is it called you ask?  But-It's-All-The-Way-Over-There-Itis.  I think it is common down here in fact.  It runs rampant in the streets and people don't care that they have contracted this non terminal, yet somewhat debilitating virus.

So the symptoms are: thinking 20 minutes to get anywhere is "too far,"  going to the other side of town is "out of the way" and other towns outside of this one are simply "out of the question."  For instance, I love ice cream.  It is darn near my FAVORITE thing in the world in the history of things.  There is a DELICIOUS ice cream place across town- about 20 minutes away.... it's too far.  With this disease, I now settle for the less satisfying ice cream that happens to be closer.

And I wasn't always like this.  In fact, in PA where I was, if we wanted to go anywhere, we pretty much assume that we are going to have to go further than 10 minutes away.  I would routinely make treks to a city an hour away.  Or the other town thirty minutes away.  Here, I have BARELY been out of the city I live in. It's absurd!

It's sick!  Sick I tell you!  I'm sick!!!  See below, the new me.  A turtle on the bayou.

WHAT!

I am heartbroken.

Not really, I actually already knew it!

I'm Melting!

It is May 30th.  Summer starts in June...in like three weeks.  It, technically, is spring.  In a normal world, the weather should be a lovely 70-80 degrees.  In Louisiana... it is darn near 7 million degrees.  I would say I was exaggerating, but really, I am under estimating how hot it is outside...in spring. 

Well, maybe 7 million degrees is an exaggeration, but you gotta know, that for this time of the year- it is hot in hurrrrrrrr (Nelly, where you go).  Okay, Pennsylvanians.  Think August.  Think that week of heat wave where your air conditioner breaks.  Yep, then.  Right now... May, that's what the weather is.  Heat wave in August with a broken air conditioner.  In fact, here's a picture of me....

Actually, not me, but thanks to EzineMark.com, we can pretend it is.

But you know the difference between the guy in the picture and moi?  He looks relieved.  He looks like there may be a gentle rush of cold air from a nearby fan.   For me, there is no gentle breeze created by a godly fan.  No.  I know that there are more, hotter and worse summer days to be felt.  My pit stains will be long and wide.  I am going to have to carry emergency deodorant.  I am going to have to wear dresses to promote air flow...like every day.

It's going to be a long and intense road this summer.  I might be pretty smelly at times.  So southerners beware.  A smelly super hot Yankee is in town. 

Save it!

You come down south to visit someone you know.  You stay at their house because, well, it's cheaper, so in exchange, you figure you'll help out a little.  You know, the basics, clean up after your self.  Make the bed.  Do the dishes. 

Well, your host made you a delicious sausage and chicken gumbo.  The rice was delicious and they even made potato salad- if you decide you're into that kind of thing.  So, following your delicious meal, you decide to wash and put away the dishes.  You scrub and clean and dry.  The dishes look spotless.

Your host comes up to you and says, "thanks for saving the dishes!"

That's when things get weird.... what?  You saved them?  What did you save them from?  These dishes that contained my wonderful meal were not in danger!  They were never perilously dangling from the counter top.  There was no cat burglar who threatened to steal them.  So why, why would they need saving?

The truth is, they don't.  The dishes don't need saving.  That's just what they say.  They save the dishes.  They save the laundry.  They save things.  Saving something, in my experience, generally means, 'to put something away.'  So a mom could, in theory, say, 'Tommy!  Go save your shoes!'

Here, look, a wikipedia reference! "To 'save the dishes' means to 'put away the dishes into cupboards where they belong after being washed.' While dishes are the most common subject, it is not uncommon to save other things. For example: Save up the clothes, saving the tools, save your toys."

Crazy right!  The origins of this peculiar phrasing is unknown to me at this time.  Maybe it originated with 'saving toys'- aka, 'putting toys away.'  Think about it.  An angry mom yells to his/ her kid- "PUT AWAY YOUR TOYS OR I WILL THROW THEM AWAY!'  (Caps lock signifies anger here.)  So over time, to make the sentence easier for the busy mom, she shortens it to, 'SAVE YOUR TOYS!'  Get it?  Put away your toys or I am going to throw them away, aka, save your toys from their inevitable demise in the gross trashcan and put them away!

Maybe that wasn't the origin.  Maybe something simpler than that.  But, that's my theory.

Now, go save your laundry.  It's been sitting in the dryer for days now...oh wait, that's me.

Of course.